Gov. Kemp Signs “Arm Unborn Georgians” Law to Discourage Abortion Vacationing By Pregnant Peach Staters
Fetuses to Be Equipped With Electro-Explosive Squibs at 13 Weeks
ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed the “Arm Unborn Georgians” Bill into law during a signing ceremony at his State Capitol Office.
Kemp was surrounded by pro-life activists and Republican politicians who shepherded the bill through the State Legislature, He distributed the multiple quills with which he signed the bill among the attendees.
In Georgia, bill signings utilizing quill pens came back into vogue for the first time since antebellum times after the Republicans won all three branches of government for the first time in the 2002 elections.
The bill signing attracted protests, mainly from MAGA activists loyal to former President Donald Trump.
Florida Governor Rick DeSantis was scheduled to take part in the signing ceremony via videoconferencing, but a revolt among Trump supporters in Georgia’s GOP caucus caused Kemp to terminate his participation.
Donald Trump has been a harsh critic of the way Governor Kemp handled the 2020 Presidential Election in the Peach State.
After demanding his own video linkup, a request Kemp granted, the former President impetuously pulled the plug on his proposed appearance in the wake of his triumphant CNN Town Hall in New Hampshire.
Trump’s no-show led to demands that DeSantis be deplatformed. Under threat of a January 6th type debacle, Governor Kemp capitulated at the last minute and aborted DeSantis’ role in the event.
Ending Abortion Vacationing
The new “Arm Unborn Georgians” law was passed to put an end to “abortion vacationing” by Georgia mothers-to-be.
An abortion vacation is defined under the new law as a mother-to-be domiciled in Georgia traveling to another state or foreign country like Canada to obtain an abortion after the nine week cutoff implanted in Peach State law.
Ninety-nine year-old Ashley Wilkes IV, a former now Democrat reborn as a Republican, represents the tony enclave of Buckhead in the State Senate. Honored as “The Grandfather” of Georgia’s State Legislature, Senator Wilkes is widely respected for the institutional memory he brings to the elective body.
Old enough to have been a presidential elector for Strom Thurmond as a “Dixiecrat” in 1948, Wilkes served as a member of the Electoral College in 1964 and ’68, casting his vote for George Wallace.
Senator Wilkes — who in his own words shifted to “Ronald Reagan’s reborn Republican Party that kicked the ghost of Abe Lincoln out of the Grand Old Party” in 1980 — is the only legislator to have served when Georgia’s old abortion bill was the law.
“We used to be called the Empire State of the South,” Wilkes said. “From about the time that Governor Wallace lost to Dick Nixon, to that black day the red leftovers from the traitorous Warren Court Roe made baby killing legal with their Roe versus Wade ruling, Georgia women would travel from the Empire State of the South to the Empire State of the North — godless New York — to kill Georgia babies.
“That was abortion vacationing back then, from 1968 through ‘73.”
The long-time head of the Georgia Un-American Activities Committee when he served in the State House of Representatives, Senator Wilkes considers himself to be an expert at communist infiltration, indoctrination and subversion.
He claims the simultaneous emergence of the BLM/Woke/Transgender rights movements on college campuses that is trumpeted in the failing liberal press and the invasion of Ukraine by Russia are not coincidental.
“What’s happening in this country and in The Ukraine proves that Red communism, midwifed by Soviet Russia, is still alive and dangerous.”
Senator Wilkes says that aside from the theft of the atomic bomb secrets, abortion has been the Red communists’ greatest triumph over America.
After gently being reminded of the Arm Unborn Georgians law, Wilkes declared, “Something had to be done,” which he quickly acknowledged was a slogan of Vladimir Lenin, the first communist dictator of Russia and spiritual grandfather to Vladimir Putin, his namesake.
“We couldn’t have history repeat itself, now could we? Women traveling to New York and other godless states and socialist countries like British Canada to kill unborn babies.
“We Georgians are a god-fearing people, so’s the best of us agreed that it was time to arm the waiting-to-be-born so they’s can-be-reborn.
“We decided to prevent the godless murder of unborn Georgians by giving them the means to evoke Scriptural vengeance: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a life for a life.
“Though Shalt Not Kill, goddamnit!” he roared.
Arming In Utero Tots
State Representative Robert “Bobby” Trippe, Jr. was the mastermind behind the “Arm Unborn Georgians” bill.
“My granddaughter showed me a meme on her cellphone,” he said after the signing ceremony. “That was when my bill was conceived.”
A professional “extra” in Georgia’s film industry, Trippe explained, “A meme is a kind of picture with a caption that is sent around the Information Superhighway from person to person, kinda like the party line we used to have at my family’s cabin when I was a young ‘un.”
Trippe stated that the meme had a picture of a heavily pregnant woman in a hospital bed, attended by a nurse or possibly a doctor, the nurse being a woman.
“The mom-to-be is all smiles and the nurse is smiling too, and they was looking into a monitor showing a tot brandishing an AK-47 and underneath was the declaration ABORTION WOULDN’T HAPPEN IF BABIES WERE ARMED WITH GUNS.”
Until recently a connoisseur of Bud Light, Trippe popped open another can of Yuengling Lite Lager in the governor’s anteroom. After a pull on the can, he continued his tale of the gestation of the Armed Fetuses bill.
“Shoot, I thought to myself, Dang, Bobby Jr., that is the Gospel truth!”
Georgia’s abortion bill banning abortions after six weeks was ruled constitutional in 2022.
“Life begins at conception in Georgia,” Trippe said, “meaning these unborn Georgians have the right to keep and bear arms.”
Trippe state that he was a life member of the National Rifle Association and had been subscribing to GUNS & AMMO for 35 years, since he was given his first shotgun by his father at the age of 12.
Self-described “gun nut,” Trippe believed that arming the unborn was technically feasible.
“I knew there have been great strides in the downsizing of guns,” he said, “and in fabricating pistols from plastic instead of metal.
“I thought that arming an unborn Georgian with a tiny pistol made out of non-toxic plastic could prove a game-changer for in utero tots.”
Tik Tok Video
A Tik Tok video of Bobby Trippe, Jr. in the well of the Georgia House of Representatives during a right-to-life debate became an Internet sensation
The video shows a disheveled Trippe brandishing a miniature “Hummingbird” pistol from the First World War while making a passionate pitch to provide yet-to-be-born babies with the means to defend themselves, which is their god-given right.
He became an object of ridicule on CNN and MSNBC and in the liberal press.
Trippe says he was out on location for a movie company, canoeing through the last remaining wild rivers of northern Georgia, when he got last minute word about the debate and has to rush back to speak before his peers in the House.
Though appearing in the chamber of the George House of Representatives without a suit and tie is forbidden by the body’s bylaws, he was allowed to speak. He was sensational racking up over 4 million views on TikTok.
Speaking about the practicality of the tiny pistol he proposed to arm unborn Georgians with, Trippe chuckled.
“Hell, the Krauts always did know how to make the best firearms. That Hummingbird fires a 3-grain bullet, less than the 10th of your typical .22 plinker round.”
Trippe’s speech got the Arm the Unborn ball rolling, but there was a glitch. He had to abort his plan to provide Peach State fetuses with pistols when he informed that an unborn baby doesn’t have the hand strength to actually pull a trigger.
That’s when his inside the knowledge of the movie industry helped and made the Arm Fetuses Bill a reality.
Implanted Squib
“On movie sets here in Georgia, they don’t have any of that fancy CGI crap they have back in California.
When you have a good old boy busting a cap on-screen in a Georgia-made flick, when he is taking out a gang-banger, a zombie, or next-door-neighbor who just happens to be one of the undead, good old Georgia movie crews rig up the shooting of the sumbitch the good old fashioned way — with a squib.
A squib in an electro-explosive device used in the film industry to simulate gunshot wounds.
The squib is surgically implanted on the yearning-to-be-born baby’s forehead, which in all but breech births aims the squib towards the mother’s spinal cord, providing a fatal blast if triggered.
The cranial placement also is ideal as it is able to inflict grievous wounds on the abortionist.
Powered by the unborn Georgian’s own heartbeat, the detonating wire to the squib is wrapped around the umbilical cord, where it becomes embedded in the living flesh of both mother and child. This makes it impossible for the wire to be cut.
While the squib solved the problem of how to arm the unborn, there was a trade-off.
Lucky Thirteen
“One of the unfortunate things about implanting a proper-sized squib in a fetus,” a misty-eyed Trippe explained sadly, “is the need to wait until the yet-to-be-born baby reaches 13 weeks.”
Trippe explained that the largest movie squib is 0.6 inches long.
“It has to be big, ’cause it’s got to be effective. It has to have the ability to end the life of a criminally minded mother who attempt such a terrible act as destroying her precious gift from god.
“The squib has to be powerful enough to do some damage, too, to the sawbones or midwife actually doing the dastardly deed.”
At 13 weeks, a typical fetus is 2.6 inches long and weighs 2.6 ounces.
The bill originally mandated that squibs be implanted at 12 weeks, which is a gestation point many right-thinking states have mandated as the cut off for a legal abortion. However, 12 weeks was just one week too early in fetal development for the successful implant of such a large-sized squib.
Arming unborn Georgians at 12 weeks may have lead to spontaneous abortions (a.k.a. miscarriages) in up to one-third of pregnant women, causing the failed moms and their physicians to be charged with a felony under the state’s 9-week abortion law.
At 13 weeks, the average fetus is 2.6 inches long and weighs 2.6 ounces. At that point, it has reached a suitable size and all of its organs have reached the level of maturity that makes the implantation of an adequate-sized squib in an unborn Georgian’s body viable.
Originally downcast, Bobby Trippe, Jr. was delighted when informed that 13 was the lucky number to make his bill a winner.
“2.6 inches long and 2.6 ounces heavy,” Trippe said. “Ain’t that a humdinger?That’s 26 twice over. God’s own beautiful symmetry.”
The renowned advocate for home schooling (who was home-schooled himself) did some simple ‘rithmetic to make his case about the force of divine equilibrium governing human interventions into women’s wombs.
“Now, think of it. When you have 26 what do you have? Two times 13.
“Now some people claim 13 is an unlucky number but that’s the number of stars on our flag.”
Before the Arm Unborn Georgians Act, Trippe was most noted for leading the fight for keeping the Stars & Bars, the Confederate battle flag with its 13 stars, on the flag of the state of Georgia.
That fight was lost and a new state flag was adopted in 2004. It too has 13 stars on it, but the law authorizing it points out that it is a tribute to the Peach State having been one of the original 13 colonies in 1776.
Author’s Note: The preceding piece was a satire.
